Date: 2018-05-04 22:36
Alright I been with my boyfriend for two years and tree months now. (September 68,7559 )First time I ever saw him was Aug6,7565 in Cali for my Birthday, my friend , her mom and my brother took me since they wanted to go to sixflags. (I live in Arizona and he lives in California, about 8 hours or so from me) Then he came to my house for 65day (work only gave him that much)and then I saw him again in June 8, 7566, he came for my graduation, he stayed only three days and had to leave b-cuz work only gave him tree days. He worked from to . went to his house which is two hours and then 8hours to my house and got here at . so come on for a guy that works like that everyday on a tractor and then drive all night for a girl. Then I saw him on Aug6, 7566 for my birthday he picked me up and took me to his house but he was working still so I only saw him on the weekends and got to be with his family. On the 78th of that month his whole family brought me home and he could only stay a night b-cuz his mom had to work the next day and also my mother kept telling me she wanted me home already. He is now 75 and I am 69, we talk every single day, he works all the time and now just opened his own tires shop. Everyday I tell him about when will he will be able to come and well his always working sometimes his even working two jobs. But right now since the money he makes, goes to buying more tires and to bills and the rent of the shop so he doesn 8767 t have any money for himself. He loves his mother and *censored* brothers as if he was their father, so ya if we 8767 re to get married he can 8767 t ever leave them it would have to be me that goes with him and i 8767 m alright with that. My mom doesn 8767 t want me to work, drive or go with him to live she only wants him to come, I don 8767 t start *censored* till next month, so for six whole months I could of been in Cali with him till *censored* started but my mom doesn 8767 t want me to go b-cuz she thinks I 8767 m going to be doing naughty things and might never come back. Yes I am 69 but she makes it so hard to leave, she say harbble things about what will happen if i leave. I love her but she doesn 8767 t get that she has to let me grow up, that i 8767 m gonna fall and no ones gonna be there to pick me or for me but God. I have told her so but gets mad and runs to her room or tells me if I want to go then to go but to never come back, and well I love my mother, how can I just tell leave? I feel bad to not see my father even though he doesn 8767 t live with me and wasn 8767 t with my my whole *censored*hood life. The last time I was at his house he told me he wanted me to stay and I said the only way that would be possible was for us to be married and he asked me and I said yes. He said he would buy the ring and come in November and give it to me in front of my family. I kept asking him if he was sure the whole last week I was with him and he was sure but once i was home on the phone he said only if we live together and with a ring but no PAPERS. I want papers though b-cuz its the right thing, its sinful, even though me and him ya already. And so it was off and then a moth after told me he really wanted me to take the ring (buy one first) but no papers and I got mad and said no. He wants a family, and well so do I and I want to be with him and I know for a fact he doesn 8767 t cheat and I know for sure he loves me. My mom doesn 8767 t care and will keep saying no no matter what and his mom loves me and his mom already wants us together too but she told me with papers people seem to divorce more, its better with no papers and well he thinks the same but I told him I would never leave him and that he says the same thing too, we are not other people! What to do?
I believe this is exactly what we 8767 ve done in my therapy (extremely hard, scary work). I 8766 quit 8767 frequently. I think a lot of therapists are scared and just don 8767 t know how to handle such intensity. I had no idea what was in store for me either. It 8767 s not been easy at all and incredibly hellish at times. I just NEEDED a hug (please, please, please) and he just would not go there. He explained why and I understood but could not accept it. That was crushing and it was a form of rejection (massive issue for me) even though he explained it was not a rejection. Rules and boundaries need to be flexible depending on the people. Rigidity can do more harm than good. You 8767 ve even said sometimes the client just needs the hug. The deprivations can run deep and an authentic hug can be very curative, much more than words. So, I know he put a lot of thought into how to deal with me. Getting real with each other is incredibly important and part of the healing. Seeing and feeling the humanness in each other makes for a much stronger and authentic bond. It really is energy/electricity being exchanged through the power of positive touch. I know he 8767 s been very cautious with me in certain respects. One day he decided to give me a hug for the first time. I was not expecting it at all and he scared the wits out of me. It was a millisecond hug, shortest, stiffest one in history. Next time, he was going away for a long time and he hugged me (I saw that one coming). I floated all the way home. I know he feels safe with that level of touch at this point. Now, we mostly hug after a very difficult or powerful session. Sometimes they are simple and sometimes they are tighter, which is very the*censored*utic for me, because I know the connection is real. He says now that hugs are easy to give, and I 8767 ve learned to ask for them when I need one..a miracle in itself. It has worked wonders for me. I also know he can 8767 t give me everything I want, like moving in with him or living in his back pocket or under his desk! It 8767 s just not possible and I (the *censored* too) am learning to accept this excruciating truth. That *censored* is not going to get certain wishes met but she has received lots of very good stuff. She runs the show a lot but integration is happening. What I want some readers to know is that the experiences we had in *censored* years can be accepted, radically. Nothing is going to change the past. The therapist can 8767 t change it either. Therein lays the CHOICE to make a choice and decide if we are going to let the inadequate parents/caregivers, etc. take our power and chain us to them for as long as we live. They did enough damage and we don 8767 t have to let them destroy the remainder of our lives. The victim mode will kill us. I see it in my family and have been blinded by it myself. I am in the choosing process now and getting tired of thinking they still have power over me, they DON 8767 T, as long I make the conscious choice to take my power back. Although, at times, I am haunted by them. I 8767 m working through it all now, but they are not going to define the rest of my life. I am. I am trying with some excellent help. . Your articles are excellent, especially the inner *censored* papers. Thank you.
You wrote that anger is a good thing, maybe. And maybe it is. It is easier for me to be angry- it’s an emotion that I am good at. I never feel guilty about being angry. I should probably,but I don’t.
I just want him to fix my pain, too. I think you wrote that as well. Something interesting I thought of as I was thinking this through this week is that I believe the reason I am so attached to him he is the same age approximately as my dad was when he died. I think I freeze myself in that age range too. I was 75 dad was 67. My therapist is 67 and I am no longer 75, *censored*. But I often feel stuck in time right there. I have felt very weird and shamed about why I felt a father attachment to someone not really old enough to be my dad. I can maybe put that problem to rest— makes me a bit more comfortable.
And finally, yes, this type of *censored*hood can really mess with a person’s emotionally well being. I tried very hard to parent the opposite of how I was parented, but so much of how I was parented came out in how I parented. I wish I would have known or realized the connection sooner, so I could have parented even differently. My desire to parent differently was not even cognizant I just did it because I hated my *censored*hood so much. So I overparented and loved too much and protected so much. But sometimes I fell back into the same patterns That my dad used, ignoring and anger (sometimes rage) which was confusing for my own *censored*ren for sure. I feel much, so much guilt about this and it is actually my greatest regret in life and will always be. I am not sure how I will ever fix that one either. They love me so much and they know I love them, but I wish I could have been different for them. I know I’ve screwed them up in ways too. Blah! Hate that part.
I just sometimes don’t know how talking about this crap is gonna help any more it is what it is. The pain is still there, it’s not going away and what else can help? I’m not trying to be fatalistic, just honest. I feel like I can hash this all over with my therapist just so many times and then shouldn’t I let it go and move on? I hate that I can’t and that it has always, and continues to be in the front of my mind whenever my mind has a chance to be still.
I am at 69 days of no contact, and feeling more and more like this is stupid— but that damn *censored* inside of me won’t give in. She is a stubborn beast. She really wants him to contact me first and I am having a hard time not listening to that voice because I am really hopeful. The problem is, I just know he won’t do it and I deeply fear that rejection right there.
(Thank you all for allowing me to process my thoughts here. Appropriate or not, if I know someone is reading, I can write these things down instead of having them swirl and swirl and swirl in my noggin.)
Oh, one more thing. Beth you mention you are not really Beth and that you do not go by your given name in real life. Coincidently, I have always hated my given name because one of siblings gave me my name— meaning, in my mind, that my parents didn’t even care enough to name me and I’ve just started using a nickname for myself. I just found that interesting.